The View From the Other Chair: Why “Doing the Work” As Your Therapist Makes a Difference
There’s a specific kind of magic that happens in the therapy room, but there’s also a specific kind of "messiness". If you’ve ever been in therapy, you know that it isn’t just a chat; it’s a deep, sometimes unsettling, sometimes scary, sometimes joyous, and ultimately transformative process of unravelling who we are.
As a therapist, I’ve always believed that our most important tool isn't a textbook or a specific technique - it’s our own humanity. And nothing refines that tool quite like sitting in the "other" chair ourselves.
It’s About Resonance, Not Just Theory
There is a massive difference between knowing the map and knowing the terrain. I can study the theory of "resistance" all day, but it’s my own experience of feeling that lump in my throat, a feeling that makes someone want to change the subject, cancel an appointment or never return again because suddenly things just don’t seem to be working out (sometimes, the relationship isn’t compatible, or the systems in place means we’re protecting ourselves and rightly so, etc… but other times it may well be our fear to getting closer to the material slipping in; our brain does the best job at protecting us against any perceived sene of threat after all), that truly allows me to meet my clients in theirs.
When a therapist has journeyed through their own shadows, they bring a certain experiential depth to the room. It’s an "I see you, and I’ve been in that (same same but different) darkness too" kind of energy. It isn't about being perfect; it’s about being able to sit with you in the unknown, journey through that whilst reminining grounded in our own experience because we’ve had to face our own complexities.
The Dance of Attachment
This becomes especially vital when we look at therapy through the lens of attachment reenactment.
We all bring our early "blueprints" for relationship into the room. In the safety of the therapeutic relationship, those old patterns, the ways we learned to protect ourselves, to push away, or to cling, will inevitably start to play out between therapist and client. It’s a delicate, subconscious dance.
If I haven’t explored my own attachment wounds, I might get stepped on. I might react defensively, or miss the subtle ways we are reenacting an old story. But by "doing the work," I can recognise the music. I can stay grounded as a secure base, even when the dance gets complicated. It allows us to process the reenactment in real-time, turning a potential pitfall into a moment of profound healing.
Holding the Space with Integrity
Focusing on my own personal work isn't about claiming a superior status over other practitioners. Every therapist brings their own unique strengths to the table. For me, however, it’s a matter of integrity.
By continuing to explore my own internal landscape, I ensure that my "stuff" doesn't get in the way of yours. It allows me to hold your story with more spaciousness, more empathy, and a much deeper level of presence.
There is a quote I absolutely love by spiritual teacher and author Matt Kahn that serves as a compass for both my work and my life:
"People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves"
This really guides everything I do. I believe that my capacity to sit with your pain, your joy, and everything in between is directly linked to my willingness to sit with my own. Ultimately, we can only take our clients as far as we’ve been willing to go ourselves, and for me, that journey is the greatest privilege of the job.